On a related note to my previous post about my (very much belated) Valentine's Day gift ideas, I've been wanting to share a link to an article on here for a while about relationships - I was going to put it up around Valentine's Day, but I've been kind of preoccupied with stanley knives and pritt stick and lots of teeny bits of paper - from a blog I discovered a few months back through Stumble Upon about the difference between Love and Loving.
I highly recommend this article to anyone who is in a relationship, whether it is blissful, difficult, or just carrying along as it always has done, but also for people who might have had relationships end because one or both of them felt that they were no longer in love. I think this article has some really helpful advice and suggestions, not just for people going through martital / relationship difficulties (and I know a few people who are going through this right now), but also for couples who just need a gentle reminder about how to keep their relationship a loving one, how not to take each other for granted, not to get in a rut, and so on and so.
In fact the blog in general has tonnes of articles on different aspects of relationships so it's well worth a browse if you're even vaguely interested in relationships, or if there's something in particular that's bothering you about your relationship, or a friend's relationship.
One thing that my mother always says (and my mother is right about everything, as I'm sure your's is too), is that trying to share love across multiple relationships is similar to a blood transfusion. Just as one person only has a limited amount of blood available to give in a blood transfusion at any point in time, the amount of love that we have to give to others at any point in time (in intimate relationships, I'm not talking about friendship or familial love here) is limited to a certain extent. If one person in the couple starts spending time with and thinking about someone else, if they start giving their love and affection to someone else, then it also drains the love from the first relationship. Having been in a long term relationship where eventually it became apparent that the other person quite clearly had feelings for someone else, I can wholeheartedly say that for me at least this analogy rings true.
There's nothing so painful as feeling like you are giving everything to a relationship, but that your affections and even your presence is unwanted, that ultimately there just isn't enough love between the two of you to keep it going. But equally, I have been on the other side of the situation in the past, and I know what it feels like to have feelings for someone else when you are already in a relationship, and to see your feelings for the person you care about slowly ebb away as you get caught up in the excitement of something new. What the article above helps you realise is that when people say they are no longer in love with someone, it actually means that they are not actively loving that person. As the article states, there is a very, very important difference between claiming that you love someone, and actively loving them.
Once we're settled in a relationship it can be almost too easy to say 'I love you' to our partners, but to actively love them - by doing something thoughtful or considerate, making them their favourite meal, or making them a gift - that takes a bit more effort. Instead of just repeatedly telling our partners that we love them, perhaps we ought to be asking if we are being loving, if our actions make them feel loved.
These are just some of the thoughts I've had on the subject since reading this article, but I can honestly say that it's encouraged me not to take love for granted, and to make sure that I continue to put effort into my relationship, because that is what is going to make sure it lasts.
I hope you find the article (and perhaps my thoughts on it) helpful too.
Bye for now,
Lettie xx
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